My dog

An ode to my dog

So last time I wrote in this section, I was writing about pets and how the whole ‘autistic people have an affinity for animals’ thing didn’t really relate to me. And wonderful

Mara Melia

asked me ‘I wonder if there is more to it?’. And that really got me thinking, and thinking and thinking, because often there is more to it, isn’t there?And in this case there was. So I’m writing about it because, while it seems like a relatively tiny thing, actually that question pulled on a thread that unravelled a whole lot of discovery.

I think I’ve written before about one idea of emotional avoidance, and seeming lack of empathy in autistic people, possibly sometimes being a defence rather than a ‘symptom’ of autism. Because sometimes we feel things so deeply that they are overwhelming, and it’s easier and safer to learn to block them out. I recognise that in much of my life, the way I’ve learned to cope with hyperempathy and sometimes the intense anxiety it brings is by convincing myself of nonchalance. I used to do it a lot when my kids were little and doing something physical that I knew was safe but still brought with it terrifying mental images of the worst possible consequences. I’d look away. Because the rational part of me knew they would be fine, but the anxious part of me that has vivid visualisations about catastrophe would have to look away because I couldn’t bear to overlay my anxious imagery over the reality of their experience.

And this is what I’ve realised (thanks to Mara) I feel too about my dog. It’s not that she isn’t for me. It’s that my feelings about her can be unbearably strong.

These are things I find difficult to acknowledge because they feel so ridiculous. I’m a grown woman and I sometimes can’t bear the feelings that are brought up in me due to a dog. But I realised that sometimes I worry about my dog so much that it can bring me to tears. Rational (masking?) part of me scoffs at this, like a ‘come on Emma, she’s a dog and not only that but she is fine’. But the reality is that what I love about her, and perhaps dogs in general, is the absolute purity of the connection with her. She is a creature of pure love. And sometimes I find that unbearable because strong feelings in general can be unbearable to me.

So, I’m changing my mind. Dogs are for me, with the caveat that they sometimes make me feel a little bit too much.

Cats, on the other hand? Fuck cats.

Photo by Cyrus Chew on Unsplash