Christmas
Things we were told were good for our children
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In this series of things we were told were good for us, that turned out to be bad for us and things we were told were bad for us that turned out to be good for us, I’d like to talk about…Christmas. And children.
It’s coming towards the end of the year, it’s dark, it’s cold, there are so many things to do and plan and think about - and tempers are frayed. It’s a difficult time anyway with the work/child juggle for many people, the added financial pressure of this time of year. And children who may be tired, ready to hunker down and hibernate while gearing up for the end of term shows and the social events and the Santa photo ops.
And then as we get into the winter holidays there are things to do, and organise, and pay for, and get your head around, and people to visit, and maybe guests in your home and so many different feelings to contain for you and for your children. In childhood, and as such in parenthood, there are often so many transitions to contend with and there are so many (spoken and unspoken) demands, and if you find transitions (including just the seasonal changes) and demands difficult then this time of year can be a bit overwhelming. At a time we’re ‘meant’ to be full of Christmas joy, leading to overwhelm plus guilt.
Christmas post-autism diagnosis looks really different for me. And I’m so much more in tune with how the seasons affect me too, that everything in me is ready to hibernate.
It’s a good time, too, to talk about what happens to our children. And, also, what happens to us at this time of year when we’re faced with a child who is…(pick one or more…)
bored
‘non-compliant’
anxious
overwhelmed
ungrateful
reluctant
upset
angry
relentlessly energetic
feel free to add your own
Although of course, sometimes children and their behaviour and their emotions can be a lot, we tend to focus on just that - the behaviour and the emotion. I don’t find that a particularly useful avenue to go down. Ok, your child is behaving in a way that is, I don’t know, rude or irritating to others around them. Then what? You have a rude or irritating child and the natural, socially sanctioned response is to admonish them. Maybe they’re less rude or less irritating as a result. But there’s a little fracture there between you and at some point that will be addressed somehow, whether in an open way (‘Mum/Dad when you told me off it was really embarrassing’), or in a less obvious way (being told they hate you at bedtime, let’s say).
When we talk about children and their behaviour, especially at this time of year when there is SO much stress and SO much expectation of ‘good’ behaviour, we tend to just focus on how to fix it, how to solve it, how to make them ‘good’. But we don’t talk about all those socially sanctioned expectations and our children’s very natural urge to challenge them. Like, why do we have to spend a day in the car visiting people I don’t know who have interesting ornaments I can’t touch and a dog I’m scared of and the room smells weird and I just want to eat food that I am familiar with and it’s dark outside and I just want to be cosy at home.
And sometimes as parents we come to realise that our children actually don’t want to do those things, or aren’t able to do those things. And then so often that is presented to others (sometimes by us) as a different sort of anomaly or problem, like a whispered secret of incapacity or deficit, and sometimes that invites more ways to fix or solve or make them ‘good’.
Maybe the problem is in the expectations we have around Christmas.
Sometimes, thanks to our kids perhaps, we take a step back and say, oh well actually maybe I don’t want to do those things either.
And maybe we take a further step back and say, how many people are doing these things because they feel like they should and not because they actually want to?
And then maybe we can think about the things that we actually DO want to do.
This winter, what things are you NOT going to do, simply because they don’t work for you?
This year I am NOT doing Christmas lunch. I've suggested we go out for it so we can eat and leave, or my husband (who is not keen on my pub idea) is in charge of all the food. all of it.
This year, I've said no to all the Christmas catch up events that I don't really WANT to go to. Sometimes openly saying that i dont have capacity for that, sometimes I've made an excuse like being double booked.
This year, we have booked to go away from Dec 16-29, to our favourite place and its just our immediate family unit so we can be ourselves without having to explain it.
This year I have so much more clarity on what I love about Christmas (all the kid related fun stuff!) And have focused on that. Not much else matters.
There are some events we are doing that I would prefer not to, but I have considered why I have said yes to those and it is because of values around family. So it's easier to make the effort to get through them.
This year I have planned in advance for those days, and made sure we have set aside a day after them so we can all recover without the guilt of "resting". It's intentionally and purposeful and that makes it all feel okay and doable.
So many things Im doing differently. I did it a little bit last year too and just benefited so much. And others commented on how relaxed I was for xmas and were jealous of my ability to say no to events and expectations.
After Christmas I reflected on what were the things that worked and what still felt like it didn't work for us, took notes and adjusted our plans for this year.
It's a hard time of year, but it doesn't have to be as hard as it often is. It just takes a fair bit of work to get your head around (and others heads around!) Doing things a bit differently and also a lot of compassion and understanding for everyone's needs.
I try to fiercely protect the period between Christmas and new year to do NOTHING we don’t want to do. It’s genuinely my favourite bit of the year, because everyone else is busy with their stuff and don’t notice that you’re hibernating at home with the TV and nice food, and maybe a jigsaw if I see a good one.
My kids are older now but even when they were young, I felt very ‘bah humbug’ for not taking them to every event going. I genuinely don’t think they missed much!