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Every August I have a break from social media. I don’t create any content, and I often delete Instagram from my phone. Sometimes, as I did this year, I lurk because I want to keep up with news or just enjoy scrolling without pressure to contribute. During this break, I kept thinking about how pressured I felt as a ‘content creator’ to monetise myself, and that in turn made me more aware of the pressure I feel as a ‘content consumer’ to buy things. Buy actual things that cost money, or buy into ideas. And I thought I’d explore it a bit more here, because it is so easy to turn real, valuable relationships into financial transactions. And I wonder what we lose when we do that.
I might start by just saying something about my relationship with social media. Because it started not as a way to market myself, or my business, but as a way of sharing information when I was a fairly newly qualified psychologist and noticed that there were these themes that came up over and over again in my work with parents and parents to be. I held the view that, if people knew how common those themes were, maybe they would feel less shame about them, and they would be less troubled by them. So I started blogging (that’s where the Mumologist name came from, incidentally, my blog), then using Facebook and then Instagram. Social media, for me, was always about sharing information and bringing community together, sometimes in real life. Now, mostly online.
Actually, 13 years later, people do know much more how common those themes are, and the conversation has shifted. Because I was a very very tiny part of sharing information more widely and as people - especially mothers - gained access to the insights from other parents and professionals online, they were empowered to do something with that information. The up-side has been greater awareness of common struggles, greater awareness of how to tackle those struggles and way more community spaces. The down-side has been that this awareness has also come with an increased awareness of the myriad of different ways we can fuck up our kids, a veritable bombardment of information which is overwhelming and confusing and a lack of IRL community spaces. Plus all of this at a time when actual support has been harder to access. Swings and roundabouts.
Anyway, I’m saying this because that sort of foundational goal has always remained the same for me (I’m a bit inflexible about this kind of thing, for obvious reasons if you’ve read my other Substacks). I want to share information compassionately, encourage people to reflect and gain self-awareness, and build community. But I have to remind myself of those goals every time I go on to social media, because I feel so pulled (influenced, more accurately) to change that goal. Sometimes, along the way, I have changed my goals - and then usually felt weird about it so pulled back, or just trailed off or, sometimes, thrown my phone across the room feeling dirty inside and then stayed off it until I figured out what happened.
And I have a lot of fellow psychologists and therapists and coaches doing things on social media now too and I see a particular trajectory commonly happen, and I wonder why I don’t go down that road. Which has its benefits, for sure, to the people creating content and also those people ‘consuming’ it. So I’m thinking about it here.
These are some of the things I have been ‘influenced’ to consider in the past few months/years:
Starting a paid-for membership with exclusive content only for members. This would tend to consist of videos, articles and a community with expert guests.
Coaching other parents who are neurodivergent themselves or going through some of the things I’ve experienced myself as a parent.
Doing sponsored posts/sharing products in exchange for payment
Using ‘hooks’ to draw people in to my social media content.
There are also some of the things I’ve done which are along that trajectory, but I’m going to be really honest here about how I tend to throw a spanner in the works along the way because of my discomfort at that trajectory:
Writing a book! (which I then didn’t market much)
Starting a Substack! (which I do inconsistently)
Creating a course (which I also then didn’t market much)
What brings all of those things together? Commodification. Wiki says: ‘Commodification is the process of transforming inalienable, free, or gifted things (objects, services, ideas, nature, personal information, people or animals) into commodities, or objects for sale. It has a connotation of losing an inherent quality or social relationship when something is integrated by a capitalist marketplace.’
I don’t want to be a commodity. I don’t want that, for us.
I’m not naive. I know this is the way the world works, and that there are hoops to jump through in order to make money, and that we need to make money in order to survive. I know that in neurotypical therapy this has been explored as a fear of my own success, or perfectionism, or black and white thinking. But I don’t think it is that.
It is just that it makes me feel sad. And so I can’t do it.
Because as soon as I need to start seeing people - including myself - as objects to sell or to be sold to, and the essence of a social relationship starts to turn into something else, I head in the opposite direction. If I follow that trajectory, I need to stop seeing the people behind the numbers, and I find that too difficult to do. And I don’t want to stop finding that difficult. When I’ve tried to, I’ve failed, no matter how many times I (or other people) try and tell me it’s ok. I know the counter-responses. The main one being - if I don’t market myself, then people who could use my support won’t find me. But enough people find me, surely? And there are loads of other people like me, to be found. And whenever I focus on marketing or commoditising, I lose my ability to connect with those people anyway because my attention is in a different place. And, well, I don’t want to lose those connections.
From the other side, as a consumer, I’m aware too of the sadness I feel when something that was a community becomes a commodity. I’m not talking about being paid for the services I am trained in, or paying others for those things. It’s that shift that happens when something that was previously freely available becomes commoditised. When I go from being a community member to a ‘potential client’. A membership that leaves life changing information (that’s the selling point, usually) tantalisingly hidden behind closed doors that are opened for a select few. The unfairness that some people might be able to be part of those select few when others can’t. The change in position of a fellow parent going through similar things and sharing their experience, to taking on an expert role and - in doing so - needing to be more certain, less fallible somehow. The shift that would happen if I were to start sharing products that would bring me an income, where I go from a trusted ‘educator’ to a salesperson and what that changes in our relationship. The need to play to your dopamine if I’m going to keep you interested in me.
There is something that is lost when our knowledge, the wisdom we have gleaned from our lived experience or our professional expertise becomes held on to tightly. And, because this is where I always go in my mind, what does that mean about society and community and connection?
Part of the consequence of that commodification is that information - even as it is being developed - becomes hidden. Experiences - even as they are still being processed - become gate-kept. And every person - even as they are learning and growing - becomes an expert. A brand. A commodity.
What would this mean if we were talking about objects, not information? Because, actually, we are talking about objects aren’t we? If a person becomes a commodity, they inherently are objectified. For profit, usually.
Let’s think about it like this. It would mean that I have an apple tree, and if you have a pear tree, sometimes we swap apples and pears. And across the road they have a plum tree. Sometimes we all make an apple and pear and plum pie, when we have loads of apples and pears and plums. But then you start to charge for your pears. So the plum tree owner charges too. And so I start to charge for my apples. And because I’m busy painting signs about my apple tree, I stop tending to my apple tree so my apples aren’t quite as tasty. And then, because I can see that my neighbours actually have loads of customers, I start growing pears and plums as well. So they also start growing new trees too. And we’re all selling our apples and pears and plums, and maybe we’re doing well, and maybe we’re even making loads of money, and we grow more trees and we have more customers. But actually nothing is as nice as that apple and pear and plum pie that we used to make together.
Maybe actually, I am naive. But I am staying just here with my lone little apple tree. And you’re welcome to sit in my garden.
I love the ending “and you’re welcome to sit in my garden” 🩷
Okay, I’m probably reading between the lines/pattern recognising here, so feel free to correct me —
Sadly the mainstream marketing is gross.
I suspect your “feed” has too many coach-marketing-biz gurus brainwashing and shaming, telling you what to do to make more money, when in fact they themselves are struggling to make money, telling people how to make money, learning from other “coaches” how to make money…! Pyramid scheme right there.
Click-funnelly-hornozi-marketing-bros-douches make my blood boil.
No wonder you feel like a commodity. And it’s a horrible feeling to have.
There is another way, though! I fell in love with the Luxury Strategy, which I studied during Covid for my own benefit initially—as I was launching a luxury business at the time— and never looked back.
And you are not far from it, the way you present yourself 🩷
If you think about it, luxury brands don’t sell you a product so much, but the history, craftsmanship (with its imperfections), and the service that comes with the product, usually in their beautiful home, where everyone is welcome (but only a few can afford to buy).
And what is a person (especially someone who offers service of the mind) , if not someone with a history, imperfections, nurturing their community, in their beautiful home (ie: substack)?
Luxury brands in fact, don’t try to sell at all. There are no hooks, nor gimmicks, no “extras”. No discounts, no tricks.
And I don’t want you to think about this at all, either.
But if you would take something from the luxury world, I recommend to hire a publicist. Then you will be disconnected enough from “marketing”, which will be interviews, speaking, etc, so you can continue being your beautiful creative self.
I suspect you will enjoy this more, as the way you explained this today, is exactly how I feel (with a touch of RSD on top).
But to be honest, I think you’re doing amazingly!
Delete/mute people on your insta who don’t serve you, better yet, delete the app, and stick to Substack (and maybe YouTube/TikTok as they are search engines)
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Also, random: have you thought about offering retreats and occasional in-person things? 🩷 No peopling required after “class”, if you don’t want to!
Xxx
You've done it again. Articulating the feelings I have had for a few years but couldn't put words to, thank you!
I've avoided turning to social media marketing for any business related stuff because something about it just feels 'off' for me. I've wanted to create presentations/webinars/resources for the pure fact that I keep repeating myself to clients, all the background theory and the themes they bring, and it would just be nice to have a summary ready to go, that way they can learn about between sessions (in the way I'd present it to them in person) and we can spend our time together focusing on applying it to their unique life - but then there's this push or expectation to monetise such resources when that wasn't my goal at all. And then creating them feels kind of uncomfortable and so I just don't invest my time in creating it because it won't "make me money" and because "so many other people are already doing it" so who the hell am I and why even bother adding to immense pile of content that already exists. Even though that's not even close to the reason why I was going to create it in the first place...
Oh it's a strange world we live in these days. It's no wonder everyone feels a pull to move to the country and get back to basics.